SafeWithin

Today, as ever, it is a privilege to be able to afford to go to the therapist, openly discuss and share our inner worlds and get help in processing our emotions. Yet only a few of us have access to such support, and even if you do the weekly hour is too short for everything that happened since the last session. What would it be if you could be your own therapist most of the time? The SafeWithin method aims to provide you with the needed insights and tools to do just that. 

In the presence of a therapist, we feel safe enough to feel what it does to us to lead our lives as we do. A successful therapy session could be characterized by the following elements. We manage the let ourselves feel, without getting overwhelmed. The therapist provides support and holding to our experience and thus helps us to allow and accept it. We feel that the therapist does not judge us for feeling, wanting or thinking as we do, a generosity we hardly ever grant ourselves. The SafeWithin method provides dedicated practices to help us grow these qualities. 

Most of us do not open up to our emotions because we do not have the spiritual basis to tolerate them. We are afraid that if we let ourselves feel the grief, pain, fear, disappointment, anger, etc we will be consumed by it, we will get overwhelmed and lose ourselves. The SafeWithin method teaches us to make our experience more manageable by taking emotions, thoughts and physical sensations apart and working with each in turn. 

Next, we grow a holding body: our capacity to give holding and support to our experience. That is, we designate, usually posterior, parts of our bodies which we use as anchors to help us stay out of complete identification with an emotion and stay present. While the holding body is very tangible part of us, it is most empowered by spirituality. By spirituality here I mean a very broad range of practices. From a walk in nature and listening to music, to connecting to forces beyond us. The choice is yours. 

It is helpful in the context of the SafeWithin method to think of your emotions as young children. Young children are vulnerable, and most they need is to be seen, acknowledged, accepted and loved as they are. Likewise, our emotional worlds are most vulnerable and long for as tender of a treatment as possible. Therefore, we use mindfulness practices to notice (see) and name (acknowledge) our feelings, thoughts and sensations which together form our experiencing body. By oscillating between the holding and experiencing body, we acquire the ability to tolerate our emotions, and it becomes easier to accept them. In this way, we do not get swept away by them. We have a place to hold ourselves to. And this allows us to make room for our inner experiences, to let them be as they are. 

It is our judgement that often disconnects us from ourselves and others. The judgement that puts the blame for our feelings on the other, claiming them wrong. Just as the judgement that feeling what we feel is silly, weak or outright disgusting. The sheer experience that we can provide a safe space for our feelings and hold them with care diminishes the role of judgement, especially judgement directed inwards. Additionally, mindfulness helps us see the judgement as a thought that goes through our minds, and meditation teaches us to that it is possible not to act upon it. 

Yet, we will still be playing the blame game and disconnect with the other if we strongly believe that they are wrong for hurting us so badly, for letting us down. Therefore, taking full responsibility for our feelings is a cornerstone of the SafeWithin method.  You will learn that it is our needs, wants, expectations and beliefs that determine our judgement, rather than the behaviour or words of the other. 

Together these skills allow us to develop a loving and supportive relationship with ourselves. It becomes safe to be with ourselves, with every bit of it. We grow safer within. And this, in turn, is an absolute prerequisite to be able to completely divorce the other from the responsibility to take care of us. Eradicating emotional enslavement, we enable ourselves to truly love – ourselves and the other – and do that unconditionally. 

If this is not enough, SafeWithin comes with two extra’s. 

As we acquire the ability to hold our feelings with care, we start to use our pains and challenges as a guide to talents and capabilities we covered with doubt or outright denied ourselves. Our sensitivities and vulnerabilities hide our treasures. As we regain our colour, we shine brighter than ever, and just as we were meant to. 

In the process of feeling our feelings in a constructive way that supports connection and healing, we acquire a lot of knowledge about ourselves. What triggers us, what beliefs we hold, where our deepest wounds lie. Most of this is product of our past and is physically wired into our brains. Nevertheless, with enough repetition we can make new associations that are stronger than the old habitual ones and thus change our perception. Modern neuroscience teaches us how we can engineer our minds for the future that we desire. This means that we are way more powerful than you have ever imagined. And what happens in our heads is fully our responsibility. 

Let’s grow safer, together so we all thrive!